I died that day

Posted: April 13, 2015 in Uncategorized
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There are things you pour yourself into. You become devoted to. You are passionate about them and love them. You live and breathe for them. 

What happens when it comes unravelled? It may not happen all at once, but a slow consistent unwinding until one day it reaches the end. If that is what you loved and breathed for, then you die, on the inside. There is just nothing left. 

I died inside when my marriage ended.  It was a day I never thought would come. You stand at the altar filled with hopes and dreams and then find yourself in a desolate wasteland of nothing, drinking a cocktail of emptiness and pain. So many times it was surreal. 

The thing about death is that it is the end, but it is also not. A seed must fall to the ground and die or it will not germinate, grow and blossom bearing fruit. 

Inside I died. I had to lay to rest all that was and find a new way because outside I survived. I had a life with kids and work and friends. They needed me and I wanted to live again, but I had to find my way. I had to start over. The drawing board was empty and I had to decide what I wanted to draw. That meant moving past the pain of standing before an empty chalkboard that was me, knowing I never wanted to be at that place. 

But I drew. I drew great dreams and hopes for a new life. Not the life I originally intended, but a life I am proud to live. A life that makes me alive inside again. Outside I did survive, bit now I am starting to thrive. 

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Family By Choice

Posted: March 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

My parents have both been married multiple times. They have had kids in the different marriages and married into kids, so asking me how many brothers and sisters I have is a very loaded question. 

Something happened along the way. The marriage between my parent and x step parent may have ended but I have discovered that my relationships did not have to. I still consider my x-step sisters as sisters. I value my x step mom and even my dads first wife who was never my step mom because I am from his second marriage, but she never held that against me. She even helped facilitate my relationship with my older siblings and I will forever be grateful for that. 

Now it’s my turn. My marriage ended and I didn’t know what this was all going to look like. I made some very valuable relationships along the way with his family and I didn’t know how they would work out. I don’t know if it’s the culture in Mexico or if it is just the fact that they are amazing people but they have wholeheartedly embraced me as their own. I think it is definitely the latter reason with possible influences from the former. My brothers in law are not in laws anymore; I call them my brothers. I don’t feel like an outsider and never have. 

My x has been great about the fact that these relationships still exist and also the reality that it means his family gets be an even bigger part of our children’s lives than would be if the relationships ended. It’s a win win scenario for all of us. 

It just affirms that some family is family by title and some family is family by choice. It’s a powerful affirmation of value to be chosen. They now chose me and I chose them. 

Risk Taking is Attractive

Posted: February 25, 2015 in Uncategorized
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I am not a man. I don’t claim to know the inner workings of a mans mind, but I was married to one and I have been around a lot of them. I know that it is common for men to fear failure. I recently watched Russell Brands thoughts on porn and was impressed with his research and conclusions. One thing he noted, was that the impact of soft core pornography has produced men who look at women more than they interact with them. I think this fear of failure has a tie into that. Porn won’t reject you – it’s no risk. Flesh and blood women in real life, can turn you down or even humiliate you – high risk.

Recently I was on vacation and engaged in a casual non-flirting conversation with a man. I excused my self and began to walk away and he called to me in front of others and said, “your beautiful.” I blushed, said thank you and continued on. I was so struck though by his respectful advance and his willingness to look like a complete and utter fool, that the next time I saw him I made sure he had my direct attention for quite some time.

Later, he asked me why I had given him that time and I told him specifically it was because of what he said and the fact that he took a risk for me. I don’t know if it is a result of our porn saturated world, but I don’t find many men willing to put themselves out there like that. Even if I am not interested in the person romantically, a risk taker will gain my respect.  Be sure to note that he was respectful in his approach. Guys yelling sexually provocative things are girls are not risk takers, they are other words I will not write here.

I’m not looking for a relationship right now but it’s nice to be noticed and it’s nice to know that men do actually exist who are respectful and who are risk takers.

I have seen a lot of lonely people this weekend. They’re at a sex convention looking for someone or something to help them escape their loneliness. They might even be able to do that, for a time.

I do have moments of loneliness, but it’s not a feeling I really identify with overall anymore. I am blessed to have amazing friends and amazing children. I also am quite ok with my own company. The latter is actually quite important.

One day I hope to be in a relationship again, but it’s not because I want that relationship to cure my loneliness. It’s because I want to share my experiences, my thoughts and my feelings with someone. Obviously I can do that with my friends, but the conversations and the connection is different with someone your interested in or dating or married to.

There is a big difference between being in a relationship with someone because you want them to fix you, verses walk along side you. The first will never work. The second will be a journey of ups and downs. On the outside it my look similar but the inside motivation is completely different and time will show the insides true colours.

There is a LOT of talk about waiting and I’m so over it. I have no interest in waiting. “Wait-ers” sit on the bench and let life pass them by, and I am not about to do that. I am living life and not waiting.

It’s like you have half a puzzle and your waiting for this magical moment when the other half of the puzzle shows up and everything is complete. Honestly not even the best marriages work that way, but I am not half a puzzle. I am not a glass half empty waiting to be filled.

There is nothing missing about being single. I don’t need someone else to complete me (sorry Jerry but you got it way wrong). I am not waiting for a guy to magically appear in my life.

I am living every moment to its fullest and when a man decides he thinks my life is as amazing as I see it (though far from perfect) and he is interested in joining me on this adventure then so be it, but I am not waiting for him.

In fact if he’s not quite on the ball I just might pass him by…

New Things For Christmas

Posted: December 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

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I finally did it this year. For the last few years I have bought a few things for myself to wrap and put under the tree but they have never made it there. I have two things this year that I bought and am pretending are from my kids. I even got them to wrap one and it was really cute because my daughter kept saying, “no peeking.” As though I could forget purchasing it myself.

It is nice to have things to unwrap but my daughter notices these things. She gets so sad when I don’t have presents like they do so this is as much for her as it is for me.

It’s going to be an odd Christmas this year because there is no family dinner for us to attend, but that means it’s a year to start new things. I like new things.

I ordered a gluten free cake that says “happy birthday Jesus”. I have never done that because I always thought it was really cheesy, but I like cake and didn’t buy one for my birthday so I decided to do it now. My kids also don’t care if we eat turkey for dinner. I refuse to slave all day over one just to have to clean it all up five minutes later because my kids would rather play with toys. We’ll probably have pizza. I have a few other ideas that are coming together.

Hopefully it will be a day of new things with my favourite people on earth. We’ll keep what we like for next year and scrap anything we don’t. That’s how we roll now.

Being Both

Posted: December 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

There are so many things I miss.

Tonight the wind has decided I am not going to sleep. I am laying here watching it whip through the trees like I have never seen it do before. There are very big trees behind my house that could do some decent damage if they came over.

When there were storms he used to be beside me. At a minimum, I knew I wasn’t alone but it also meant there was strength.

When my parents divorced I used to have nightmares that bad men would break into my house and try and hurt my mom and I. I used to imagine how I would try and save us because I knew my mom would have been too paralyzed with fear to help. I had to be the strong one growing up.

Then I got married and I didn’t have to be so strong anymore, or at least not all the time. There was some peace and rest. Now that’s ended and it’s me again being the strong one, all the time. The thing is that I am not just the strong one, sometimes I am also the weak one and the scared one. Inside I am both.