I mowed the lawn

Posted: May 2, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I mowed the lawn today. It was the second time since he left. The first time I just stuck to the back of the house because I really had no idea what I was doing. It was so exciting for me to just be able to figure out how to get the mower started. I can’t ever remember mowing a lawn before in my life.

Today I mowed it all. I was thinking that I should definitely continue to let it grow really long like it was, because then it has more of a jungle feel for when the kids play and also then when I do mow it, it really feels like an accomplishment. The mower only stalled out once because it was so bogged down. I figured out that if you tip it up, all the crud from underneath shoots out and you’re good to go again.

It felt good, regardless of how crappy a mow job it was. I get angry a lot because all too often I think – “you should be here,” and he’s not. It felt good physically and emotionally to mow. People would walk or drive past and I really felt they should be cheering me on, I mean don’t they know what an accomplishment this is for me? Don’t they know how painful it is just to mow a stupid lawn? But they just passed by without really glancing.

Sometimes it feels that way, that people just pass by and I am here in pain, loss and grief. I really don’t expect them to say, or do, anything since they have no idea, nor do I care to broadcast that I am alone but still there’s times when you want to be noticed. Times like when you have to do jobs that shouldn’t be yours. Nevertheless it’s done. Some grass blades are shorter, we will ignore the others, and bask in the accomplishment that is part of the journey of a new way of doing life.

  1. I remember when I would mow the lawn I would think people were watching me and thinking, wow look at that woman, she has no man, nobody cares about her, she has to do it all by herself. I felt like the whole neighborhood was looking at me talking. I was embarrassed to mow my lawn. I ended up getting a very cheap lawn man because I was so self concious doing my lawn. I am proud of you!! Think of the calories you are burning. Lawn work is some heavy duty exercise…You go girl!!

  2. Sky Blue Sapphire says:

    I mowed the front lawn for the first time too recently. I really enjoyed doing it. it took a lot of self persuasion and head scratching to start with. but the sense of accomplishment was awesome. I haven’t mustered up the courage to get on the tractor mower yet. big, so many leavers! So the back garden has become a bit of a meadow.
    I need to learn how to get the swimming pool up and running for the summer. this really daunts me.

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