I died that day

Posted: April 13, 2015 in Uncategorized
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There are things you pour yourself into. You become devoted to. You are passionate about them and love them. You live and breathe for them. 

What happens when it comes unravelled? It may not happen all at once, but a slow consistent unwinding until one day it reaches the end. If that is what you loved and breathed for, then you die, on the inside. There is just nothing left. 

I died inside when my marriage ended.  It was a day I never thought would come. You stand at the altar filled with hopes and dreams and then find yourself in a desolate wasteland of nothing, drinking a cocktail of emptiness and pain. So many times it was surreal. 

The thing about death is that it is the end, but it is also not. A seed must fall to the ground and die or it will not germinate, grow and blossom bearing fruit. 

Inside I died. I had to lay to rest all that was and find a new way because outside I survived. I had a life with kids and work and friends. They needed me and I wanted to live again, but I had to find my way. I had to start over. The drawing board was empty and I had to decide what I wanted to draw. That meant moving past the pain of standing before an empty chalkboard that was me, knowing I never wanted to be at that place. 

But I drew. I drew great dreams and hopes for a new life. Not the life I originally intended, but a life I am proud to live. A life that makes me alive inside again. Outside I did survive, bit now I am starting to thrive. 

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